Sleepless nights

It's one of those again.
I try to sleep. I really do. But I can't.
And I can't do anything productive. I can't write, I can't create.
I can't even play Grand Theft Auto, because that would take so much energy.
But I'm not tired.
Well, not in the traditional, sleepy, yawning kind of way.
I wouldn't call it insomnia, because that would probably mean I couldn't sleep at all. But I just can't sleep before six am. There's a difference.

Maybe, but just maybe, I'm still afraid of the dark. I used to have this kind of love/hate relationship with the darkness.
I hated it, because you don't get distracted. You lie there and it's quiet and there is nothing to do and you start thinking, and my thinking scared me. I used to go crazy if I was left alone with my thoughts for too long. I mean crazy crazy. Like, Autofiction crazy.

You lie there in the dark.
The dark leaves you alone with your thoughts. There's nothing to distract you. And your thoughts build a cloud, the darkness, pressing onto you.
People say sometimes emotions make you explode.
But with all that pressure on me I can only implode and disappear.

I wrote that about a year ago. And there is a kind of craving towards that, unexplainable.
Maybe because it's the only time these thoughts can actually roam free.

So now I'll just drop into bed, and try again.
Because thinking does make me tired, I think.